i'll start with positives.
im in the middle of a lot of fun projects. ashamed its taken me so long to work on a model for someone. should i say? idk? does it matter? its ST4RSP4CE. it looks sick as hell, im stoked to rig it, i got a bit of work left, like a couple poses and thats it. well, i like to minimize it, its kind of a chunk of work. so much work that im anxious about it. like, when you get to the end of a project and all the hardest parts are left and you feel daunted by the task so you just don't want to think about it. but i'll get over that when i can. i always do. or i don't and i refund. but thats really rare.
ok i just realized that wasn't positive. like, at all. lol
thats just been kinda how my life has been recently. not taking care of myself like i should. its hard to work on anything because i don't have a stable home. im in a hotel right now because our shed house is inhospitable. honestly, you've caught me in the middle of a slew of hotels and camping in a tent and living in a shed with minimal facilities like a shower. to be clear, no shower. or anything. huge bummer. but not homeless. i have a lot more than others do, im grateful but man it still blows. that feeling of needing to move around constantly. at least for me, i hate it.
all i want is what everyone wants, peace and stability. my mental health has never been great, but im at a point where im confident in what i need out of life and won't settle for less. which, if you knew me and what i'd been through, takes a lot of growth for me to say. i mention it because i wish i had friends to share that with.
but cool projects! im hopeful to be able to make a game soon. and make youtube videos. i've been doing a TON of concept work for a game, im not sure how much i want to say, for keeping secrets and to not build any expectation. but im very stoked about it. its a game really close to my heart and im so excited to share about it. it feels like my life mission. a life-long obsession fulfilled. hopefully.
i've had a hard time with streaming. i really like it, for making moments, friendships, little environments, assets, interactables, all very fun. but i have so many aspirations outside of it. so many ideas. so many ideas they're overwhelming. i often feel crushed by them.
i've always wanted to be a shop keeper. i think it started when i was a little kid playin a game called Furcadia.
it was like a chatroom game but you could make and code worlds to have simple games and environments and things. the worlds were called dreams which i think is neat. there was this one dream i loved so much where you could buy a hotel room and customize it however you wanted. i always made a little shop. i think selling little things i've made is my passion. but the second i have to interface with another human being i get scared.
man i can not get over people. i want friends but i don't want to have to sift for them. im scared of rejection. i feel great shame, like i was deemed unworthy and it makes me feel extremely depressed. i know i give other people too much power over me and its worse when i trust and respect them. i always do everything i can to protect other people's feelings, even complete strangers, because i believe whole heartedly in being kind and honest and direct. i would rather someone tell me they didn't like me than not, even though i know its a hard thing to say. i can't imagine keeping someone around that you were only pretending to like.
so many of my friendships have ended in disaster. im not blind to the fact that im sure some of them were my fault, but some of them definitely weren't, coming as someone who blames themselves for everything. im tired of doing that. i know what i deserve. i deserve someone who would stand up for me, as i would for others. its so cringe to acknowledge that but whatever. loving myself or whatever.
sorry this blog was heavy. thanks for reading ily <3